Jokes

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin? Who cares – neither one’s a guitar

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years eve gig at a local club… The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music… shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great … everybody loves you … I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? … The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner… and the trombone player says “Sure … we’d love to … Is it OK if we leave our stuff here??”

What’s the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What’s the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust.

What’s the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don’t know either.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn’t supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, “I looked in the score and it said ‘tacit’–so I took it!”

How do you know when there’s a trombonist at your door? His hat says “Butler”s Pizza”

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said “If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal–he’s the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes.” Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile. “You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.” “But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal?” “No time–don’t worry.” And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. “Wait.” shouted Ed. “What are we playing?” Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy after beats on 7 and 13.”

Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.

Borodin nothing to do!!

Why did the Philharmonic disband? Excessive sax and violins.

A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it? The second violinist, because: 1. No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars. 2. There’s no such thing as a virtuoso violist. 3. The bass player hasn’t figured out what it’s all about.

What’s the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses’ asses.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What do you do with a horn player that can’t play? Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist. What do you do if he can’t do that? Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, “I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live.” The Jazz musician replied, “And what am I going to live on for an entire year?”

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1. None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs. 2. “Don’t worry about the changes. We’ll fake it!”

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million.

What’s the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music.

What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public: Violinist: 25 feet Bad Violinist: 50 feet Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet Accordionist: 60 miles

What’s a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire.

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume? Put a chart in front of him.

What’s the least-used sentence in the English language? “Isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche?”

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? About 20 kilo’s.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet? He’s too sensitive.

How do you know when the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth…

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? So the rest of the band can understand them

What’s the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch? Pay for the pizza.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one.

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless…

What do you do if your bassist is drowning? Throw him his amp.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.

What is “perfect pitch?” When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don’t return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could’ve done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? Both suck when you plug them in

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? A Year-at-a-glance

What’s the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines to do that now.

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? Give him music to read.

What’s the best thing to play on a stand up bass? Solitaire.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune? Evidently all of them.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!” “Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What’s the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None…they just steal somebody else’s light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise …”

Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute … the other was a guitar player as well…

How is an orgasm like a drum solo? You can tell its coming but there’s no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician? A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer might’ve been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car? Take the St Elmo’s Pizza sign off the roof.

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.

What’s the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What’s a tuba for? 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work? “Would you like fries with that, sir?”

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?” “Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”

How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player’s kid? He doesn’t know how to work the slide and he can’t swing!

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? He caressed it softly and told it that he lover it.

How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb? He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

In the 22nd century…how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?? Five…one to actually do it …and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

How long does a harp stay in tune? About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don’t play.

What’s the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas? They really are the same size, but the violinists’ heads are bigger.

What’s the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.

What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage? The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? Because deep down they’re all very nice people…

What’s the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?? You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish…

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 1)-None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. 2)-Don’t bother…just leave it out…no one will notice 3)-One…but the guitarist has to show him first 4)-One. Five. One. Five… 5)-Six…one to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light…

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a light bulb? She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door? She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can’t get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end…it would be a good idea.

Did you hear about the tenor who was so dumb the other tenors noticed?

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What is the definition of a mezzo soprano? Just an alto with a soprano’s attitude.

What’s the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares?

What’s the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants? They’ve had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? “One, two, three; one, two, three.”

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato? Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it “solo.”

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist’s head is so much bigger.

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can’t get up that high!

String players’ motto: “It’s better to be sharp than out of tune.”

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society’s annual performance of Handel’s Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, “Would you like a moment to tune?” The bass player replied with some surprise, “Why? Isn’t it the same as last year?”

Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, “If that’s my agent, tell him I’m working!”

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life’s most tender moments? He puts his Leslie on “slow”.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” The other replies, “That was no piccolo that was my fife.”

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?” “Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.” The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!” The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?” “Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told “Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven–right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem–God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”

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